Upon a Time...
There were three little girls who went to the Greece in search of scrolls...
And they were each troubled by very hazardous situations...
But I took them away from all that in their old age...
And now they work for me...
My name is Charlie.
1999 - Living in Florida.... Janice, Melinda, and Wanda sit at the kitchen table over a freshly devoured cheesecake.
Janice - "Ahh... Cicely, 1938... I remember it well."
Melinda - "Jan Hon, you weren't in Cicely in 1938, you were in Cairo."
Janice - "Oh, sure I was Mel, I just got around."
Wanda - "No Jan sweetheart, I was ze one who got around, you were the one who never had any fun."
Janice - "Oh I had my fun, just not with every Tom, Dick, and Harry."
Wanda - "Oh la la... That dick, he was a very nice one."
Melinda - "Oh my!" She gasps and shakes the thought off, "Did I ever tell ya about that time in Charlotte when Bobby Joe and I went to the park?"
Janice/Wanda - "Yes/Oui!" in unison.
Melinda - "How about that time, Henry and I stood under the moonlit sky?"
Janice/Wanda - "Twice/deux fois."
Melinda - "What about when Johnny and I saw the pictures for the first time? Oh that was amazin."
Janice - "Mel, what the hell were you competing for" A beat, "Southern Tramp, USA?" looks at Wanda holding up her hand, "No offense."
Wanda - "No, iz okay. I competed for South France Tramp. No relation." A pause. "And I von it too, ten years running!" She leaves the room triumphant.
Melinda - "Hey it wasn't my fault Janice."
Janice - "What wasn't Mel?"
Melinda - "I had to bow out of the contest, seems Missy Sue also
slept with Bobby Joe and she had him first so that disqualified me." leaves
the room to a gaping mouth Janice.
(Later in the Day)
Janice sits in her chair and Wanda walks over to the couch and looks at Janice holding her purse close to her chest.
Wanda - "Janice I just have to ask you dis if you don't mind."
Janice - "Shoot Wanda."
Wanda - "Why iz it you carry that purse everywhere you go?"
Janice - "Well at my age you can't be too careful... I could be rushed to the hospital, I could be stuck in an elevator, or I could fall down a well... hell this is the south!" a pause. "And I keep my whip and gun in here, you never know when Melinda gets in one of her moods." touches nose.
Wanda - "May I borrow zat purse tonight then?"
Janice - "Why?"
Wanda - "I have a date with zat Charles, ohh la la and I wanna play Pilot and co-pilot again."
Janice - "Why would you need a whip and a gun for that?"
Wanda - "Vell you know how naughty those co-pilots can be, we may hit some turbulence." she winks.
Janice - "Wanda I still haven't forgiven you for borrowing my whip the last time, took me a week to get that off it."
Melinda - "Hey you two what are you talking about?" enters carrying a paper.
Janice - "Wanda's sex life."
Melinda - "Oh nothing new then..." She sits down next to Wanda and turns to the women. "Say guys, how about we all go get tickets for Yanni. He's gonna be in town."
Wanda - "Did him."
Janice - "When Mel?" ignoring Wanda.
Melinda - Looking at Wanda still with a distracted confused glare, "Next Thursday."
Wanda - "Oh that's not enough time, I need ze pedicure, and ze manicure, oh and a vaxing."
Melinda - Looks at Wanda still, "Its just a concert, you don't havta go all out."
Wanda - "Oui, no no no you misunderstand, I need these things for ze encore."
Janice, looks on.
Melinda - "Its still gonna be dark Wanda."
Wanda - "Not in ze limo after ze concert it wont!"
Janice - "Make sure he buys you dinner first this time!" - Janice
(Concert hall one week later)
Melinda - "I cant believe we are ganna see Yanni, oh I just love his Music Jan."
Janice - "Yeah yeah yeah Yeahnni."
Images of people standing in line, then walking in. Scenes of a concert hall filling up, people taking their seats. A volcano exploding... waves crashing...
Janice - "What the hell was that?" they find thier seats.
Melinda - "Oh Jan, you know the producers like ta fill up things."
Janice - "Yeah but can't they do it with witty repartee and good scripts?"
Melinda - "Jan honey it's only a half an hour long, heck I'm just happy they gave us old broads work!"
Janice - "Mel you said old broads." giggling.
Melinda - Clears throat and changes subject, "Where is Wanda the shows about ta start she's gonna miss it."
Janice - "Oh look there she is..."
Scenes of people taking their seats, standing in line, talking, volcanoes, waves, insects...
Janice - "All right enough already!" looks around the area that is nothing more than a bluish gray drywall set with a few people sitting in cruedly crafted set chairs. "I thank god its not Monsoon season!"
Melinda - "Wanda you nearly missed it where were you."
Wanda - "Oh I was just getting ze bite to eat."
The curtain goes up the crowd goes wild...
Janice - They all look and wonder, "Why's he walking funny?"
Melinda - "Oh my goodness should he perform with that limp?"
Wanda -"Well it wasn't that limp a minute ago." They
look at Wanda.
Melinda - "That's the last time Wanda I'm ever gonna take ya with me ta a concert!" throws purse and storms off.
Janice closes the front door behind them, and looks around.
Wanda -"Oh, Mel I'm so sorry I had no idea he vas on medication. I didn't mean to do zat to the poor boy."
Janice - "Wanda you nearly killed a great performer of our time." puts her cane down.
Wanda -"Jan I'm sorry. Will you ever forgive me?"
Janice - "Oh I don't know Wanda..." thought crosses mind. Walks a bit to the hallway and looks at Mel's room... "Mel!"
Melinda - Sobbing, "Go away!"
Janice - "Oh Mel its only Jan."
Melinda - "What'da want?"
Janice - "You know how you can get cheap tickets with all your connections?"
Melinda - "Why ya wanna know?"
Janice - "Can you hook me and Wanda up for Kenny G at the pavilion next month?"
Wanda - grimaces, "Oh Janice even I have standards, Kenny G..." she shivers.
Janice - "Shut up you owe me one, remember."
All pics borrowed from the Ultimate Golden Girls Site and the Golden Girls logo and premise is owned by NBC and it's creators. Xena Scrolls characters are still owned by MCA/Universal USA Studio's and a man who gets to sleep with Lucy Lawless (but we are still paying the voodoo witch doctor to do something about that). Wanda DePoisson is owned and operated solely by Nyx. However the appearance of Wanda is made possible from Mobile Corporation, and viewers like Danielle Cormick.
For more information on this and other Xena Scrolls related humour please email the authors, Artemis, XENAholic, and Nyx. For more information on Yanni, call Lynda Evans for leaving him and dating her new muppet friend Waldo.